Miracles Don't Seem So Far-Fetched Anymore

Two years ago I had just dropped out of Vanderbilt. Technically I had taken a medical leave of absence, but I knew I wasn't going back. I'd moved my stuff into my parents' house (mostly their garage), and I think by April I was already talking to Rutgers about transferring there.

Two years ago, I could barely walk to the end of the block and back again; I could barely stand at the stove long enough to make a simple meal. I was in too much pain.

Two days ago, I walked about two miles, grocery shopped for forty-five minutes, lifted weights at the gym, and then came home and spent two hours in the kitchen washing, chopping, cooking, assembling.

I don't really celebrate Easter anymore, but this weekend I was definitely celebrating the possibility of miracles.

September 22nd

In the midst of the chaos that is life, I am pausing today to celebrate the autumnal equinox. In the coming days the world will fill with gorgeous color and indescribable light. Yes, I get a little cheesy when it comes to my favorite season, but how could I not? Fall is crunchy leaves, slimy pumpkin insides, snuggly sweaters against crisp air, hot tea, everything made with cinnamon, and steaming soup. It's early twilights and chilly nights that make it easy to believe in witches. And it's the coming of my two favorite holidays, all about baking and eating and spending time with family.

The one thing I don't necessarily enjoy about fall is people's propensity to wear orange - dull, ugly, Halloween orange. Now I do happen to think that orange is a beautiful color...when found on leaves, and squash (and the top of my head if I may say so, but that part I can't help). But most people really should not wear orange, and definitely not with black. Unless, of course, said person is specifically trying to look like a jack-o-lantern (in which case rotundity helps).

Oh, there's also the fact that fall is followed by winter. I hate January, and I hate February more. I think the guys who made the modern Western calendar HAD to make February only 28 days because otherwise no one would survive it.

If only autumn could stretch straight through until spring. A light snowfall might be okay, but the kind you get in mid-December that makes you excited to remember childhood sledding, not the kind that fills up the whole world with dirty slush and leaves you with cold wet feet all day.

But we get three whole months before winter arrives. Until then, we get to revel in the fall. I'm going to go home and get out all my sweaters and just be happy.

Strength in Numbers

Over the last several weeks I've found that my perspective on most of life has shifted fairly significantly. I'm happy with the new direction in which I find myself looking, but it's a big adjustment nevertheless. I keep having to stop and take my bearings, or stop myself from automatically responding to something the way I would have two or three months ago. It's amazing to me how drastically I've changed and simultaneously how much more myself I feel.

One thing I've finally come to terms with is the idea that life is often arbitrary and generally full of mistakes; that I might "ruin" good things in my life, but in some way that's okay because that's just how life goes. I guess I finally believe the old adage about doing your best being all you can ever do.

Even though it makes me very sad to think about the possibility of making terrible career choices or losing dear friends, there's something incredibly liberating about recognizing that it's inevitable that those things - or similar things - will happen. It makes me less anxious about doing something wrong. And it makes me value even more the positive outcomes, the good times with friends. It makes me realize just how valuable my closest friends are, and how grateful I am to have people with whom to share all the ordinary experiences of life. It reaffirms for me that my family - the one I was born into and the one I've chosen for myself, my friends - really are the most important part of my life: the rest of it is arbitrary and too often full of tragedy, but there truly is strength in numbers, in remembering that other people are experiencing the same difficulties, in having people to prop you up when you can't stand on your own and to party with you when you're finally back on your own two feet.

It's cheesy, but it's true.

Thanks, guys.

Better Things To Do

I find myself, at this moment, most of the way through a weekend that has been....well, awesome. It's been the kind of weekend where I forget about all the trivial crap that I get so cranky about day-to-day, and just get to enjoy the really good stuff. Even the stressful parts of the weekend have been things that really matter - which seems so much more worthwhile than getting stressed out about a stupid part time job or the logistics of moving 1000 miles. It's been the kind of weekend that hasn't been "perfect" but has been exactly right. I wish more of life could be like this weekend.

And it's all going by so fast. How can it be the middle of June already?! It's now only two months until the Big Move, which I still can't believe. I guess that just means I need to make the next two months more like this weekend, and less like last week. (Last week was pretty well summed up by "urgh.")

But I shouldn't be spending this afternoon in front of the computer. Blogging is fun, but I'm pretty sure I have better things to do....

Happiness Is.... *

- ...a warm blanket.
- ...a long drive.
- ...a bright moon on a clear night.
- ...a problem well solved.
- ...a good, long belly laugh.
- ...the perfect song coming up on iPod shuffle.
- ...getting into my very comfortable bed at 2:30am.
- ...having such a great night that I completely forget the morning ever even happened.
- ...knowing tomorrow will be just as good.
- ...being continually reminded of the good stuff even in the midst of the bad stuff.
- ...having caring, compassionate, totally awesome friends.
- ...knowing that some things will never really change, just get better and better.
- ...finally seeing the forest and not just the trees.
- ... ...

* with thanks/apologies to Charles Schultz

Not Such a Bad Day After All

The highlights reel:

- alarm at 9:30 feels like vacation
- rolling down the windows
- being pleasantly surprised
- wearing blue jeans and a sweatshirt all.day.long.
- kids and books
- more kids, yelling barely intelligible but hilarious insults at professional athletes
- asking dumb questions and being made fun of...but getting answers
- winning 2-1 in the 9th
- enough warm clothes to be just the right amount of cozy
- "He sounds cute."
- a walk in the night air (without getting mugged)
- ridiculous, awesome friends

**(People might think blogs are written for the readers, but that is perhaps a lie.)